IV. I Become a Jungle Guide

As night fell we were herded into the tour company pickup truck and went off searching for animals. Driving along a narrow road cut through the heart of the jungle, we were given two portable spotlights and taught to methodically comb the bush with the beams, seeking the reflected glow of animal eyes. As I sat in the back of the truck’s open bed, it occurred to me that if we did run into elephants or tigers, this vehicle would offer no protection whatsoever.

We drove for a couple of hours, stopping every time we saw a glow. We would wait, training both beams onto the area until we could spot the animal. Most of the time it turned out to be small monkeys, deer, or civets (a cat-like creature related to the mongoose). One time we spotted a chicken near the road. Tom said it was a Jungle Chicken, but I couldn’t see the difference. I was beginning to think the flyer was all hype, when we heard a large rustling in the bush. Tom stopped the truck. He turned off the ignition and told us to turn off the spotlights. Whatever it was, we didn’t want to scare it off. We waited; hearts pounding, wondering what it could be. The rustling got louder and closer, becoming more distinct. The ground thudded from some great weight. Branches were twisting, tearing, cracking, and crunching. Then, bursting through the bush: an elephant! A real elephant in real life, not on the Discovery channel, not in the zoo, but a full grown wild elephant eating dinner.

Actually, “eating” is putting it mildly. It would wrap its trunk around a bunch of bamboo, tear it off, and shove it all into its mouth; twigs, leaves and branches. Although the elephant was making a lot of noise, we were told to be quiet; not to spook him.

Nobody could stay quiet, of course. We were all too excited. The elephant got annoyed, and after it had had enough, turned towards us and charged. Tom jumped into the cab of the truck and turned the ignition but it wouldn’t start. Of course, it wouldn’t start. The elephant was rapidly approaching, travelers were screaming, the engine droning and straining. It finally started, but instead of taking off, we rolled backwards, right into the elephant. Everything happened in slow motion as the elephant and I came to within inches of each other, face to face. My entire field of vision was filled with elephant.

An odd stillness came over me. I turned to the travelers and with a calm yet commanding “SSSSHHHH,” they quieted. The elephant just stopped. We just sort of looked at each other as Tom got the truck got into gear and pulled away.

We watched behind us as the elephant made a derisive snort and turn back to its dinner. Apparently it was a bluff. He just wanted to eat in peace. Later I learned that the elephants here make bluff runs all the time. You can tell by the position of their ears. Nobody mentioned that before either.

The next morning, the tour being over, I threw on my backpack, ready to move on to the next adventure. I had no plans other than for Fate to take me by the hand. I said my goodbyes to Tom and Maow and they offered me a job. This took me by surprise. I told them I’d have to think about it.

I took off my pack and sat down on a bench. They turned to leave, to give me time to think, making it maybe two steps before I said, “Yes.”

I like to think I was offered the job because of the way I dealt with the elephant or perhaps my nonchalance over the leeches. But the truth is that I was traveling on my own, with no plans or attachments, and spoke halfway decent English. Anyone with those qualifications might have been offered the job. It just happened to be me. The Hand of Fate reached out to me quicker than I expected. How could I say no? There was no money in it. 100 baht for a full day tour, 50 baht for a half day. With the exchange rate of the time, it worked out to $4.00 and $2.00, respectively. They would, however, cover room and board, and there would be enough Tuna Fish Ice Cream to last a lifetime. Plus, it made for a great first postcard to the folks back home:

Dear _______,
Well, I’ve been in Asia for less than a week. I’ve had a balloon popped out of my hand by a blow-dart wielding vagina. I’ve been sucked by leeches, swarmed by bats, and charged by an elephant. Oh, by the way, I’m working as a Jungle Guide.
Love,
Phil

Even my father was impressed.